Pretty much every fandom known to man has corresponding in-person social events, which celebrate its premise and enthusiasts. Think of a niche interest and it probably has conventions, festivals, and parties—both large and small— attached to it.

Internet content creators have VidCon. Once a year, people get on the streets of Valencia, Spain to throw tomatoes at each other for the La Tomatina festival. Is there a gathering for termite telepaths? We don’t know. But check your local Best Western’s events calendar. It’s probably there, a day before the North American Towel Owners’ Association annual mixer.

But what about BDSM and the kink culture at large? If you’re new to the lifestyle, you might think that its adults-only nature makes organizing a social event nigh impossible. Because, surely, society shouldn’t allow get-togethers of “sexual deviants”, right?

The famously reserved people of Japan have a literal “penis festival”, which is centuries-old and attended by tens of thousands of people of all ages and from different backgrounds. It’s quite graphic, with all the dick imagery and such just out in the open. With that knowledge in tow, are small assemblies of individuals who enjoy sex in more creative ways that farfetched and off-putting?

Whatever the rest of the world thinks of the BDSM lifestyle, kinksters and fetishists are people, and people are social animals. Practitioners and supporters of the kink community find a way of satisfying the need for face-to-face human interaction through a “munch”.

A Brief History of the BDSM Munch

What’s the difference between a munch and the El Colacho festival?

We’ll give you a couple of very vague clues. One is a largely informal social gathering of people with varying levels of interest in BDSM. The other one is a Spanish Catholic feast where brightly dressed men jump over rows of actual babies laid down on the streets. Spain is a zany place.

Even with the limitations of the 1990s internet, kinky people made great use of it by communicating with each other and whipping up modest meetings within their respective locales.

If you think the roots of munches had something to do with food, then you’re correct. The first gatherings were held in small restaurants in Palo Alto, California where they were initially called “burger munches”. As the internet became more accessible and popular, munches started to spread out to nearby cities.

Today, kink communities hold munches all over the United States and in many cities across the globe. The specialized event has held on to its humble beginnings, though, as munches are still quite widespread in Palo Alto.

Finding Local Groups for Munches

You probably won’t find munch announcements posted on your township’s community center bulletin board. But do give it a try. Who knows? But finding local special interest groups that hold BDSM socials means going back to munch basics—the internet.

Luckily, munch-hunting is a lot more streamlined now than in the good old ‘90s thanks to these online kink communities and specialized munch finders.

1. FetLife

FetLife is currently the big kahuna of the online kink world. With over eight million members, munch buddies will practically fall on your lap. And it’s free!

The current minimum requirements for signing up are an active email address and phone number as well as your general location. Listing your location (city) as “public” on your profile gives you a “what or who is near me” kind of option. You’ll see nearby people and events, to name a couple.

If you’re not keen on publicizing your general location, you can just as easily look for other kinksters and upcoming events by running a general search using your city or town as a term. Note that FetLife might not cover smaller locales. If your search came back with a blank, try using a larger city or town near you.

All upcoming events that turn up from your search are dumped under the “Events” tab. This means you get a mixed bag of gatherings posted by users. And we do mean mixed. Munches are tumbled in with sex invites, fisting parties, and so on. Read the entire post meticulously lest you end up in someone’s dungeon where the dress code is nipple tassels and nothing more.

Listings are usually created and posted by the event coordinators. If you find a munch that you’re interested in, get in touch with the poster and hammer out the finer details.

FetLife also has “Groups”—discussion boards sorted by an assortment of categories, including interests and, of course, locations. Join a group that caters to your area, chat up other members, and see if there are munches afoot. This feature is great if you’re an absolute newcomer to munches. You establish a more solid connection with other potential attendees beforehand instead of coming to your first munch totally blind and friendless.

What you put on your profile also affects your chances of getting invited to a munch. Organizers may appraise your profile to see if you’re a good fit for the event they’re planning. How elaborate or broad you make your profile is entirely up to you, though.

Adult content is allowed, so expect NSFW photos, videos, and links. FetLife is a many-in-one portal, so don’t be too surprised if someone looking for a romantic date hits you up. Registered members also get access to millions of blog posts, which consist of stories and very informative articles.

FetLife is community-driven and operated. It’s helmed by a team the members of which belong to a wide range of ages, specializations, etc. This makes the community-building and interactive features very much tailor-made for the BDSM lifestyle.

That said, regulation is not its strongest suit as evidenced by the mixed bag that is the events listing function. There have also been reports of bugs, and, as with most social and dating websites, bots and fake profiles.

All in all, FetLife is an excellent avenue for all you munch hunters out there. You’ll learn a whole lot more about BDSM on top of the opportunity to find the get-togethers within your area.

2. FindAMunch

FindAMunch is another go-to portal for, well, finding a munch. It caters to a global audience and you can immediately click on your country of interest from the sidebar on the homepage. Some countries, mostly North American territories, are subdivided into more specific localities.

You’ll find munches focused on a large variety of topics and interests, from toys to filmmaking. There’s no filtering mechanic, however. So, just like on FetLife, you’ll see casual coffee get-togethers tossed in with play parties and fetish seminars.

There’s no registration required. And we’d like to point out that most of the links posted there redirect visitors to FetLife. We strongly recommend that you have an active FetLife account to get the most out of FindAMunch.

This website is basically Craigslist for munches. It’s mostly an events directory and offers very little by way of interactivity. It does have a few original articles and a respectable library of cross-posted blog entries.

The Bookshelf section gives BDSM literature recommendations. But this, too, just redirects to other websites, mostly to book marketplaces.

Sadly, though, posting activity has seen a lull in the past few years thanks in large part to the global pandemic. Many of the events are out of date. But since the links lead to other BDSM websites, FindAMunch is a good jumping-off point for discovering kink-related resources.

FindAMunch is barebones and needs a major freshening up but it’s still worth a look in our opinion.

3. TheCage

TheCage offers a buffet of BDSM-related stockpiles, but its flagship feature is its discussion forums. These boards cover an incredibly wide range of topics, from rants to practical guides to toys and equipment.

For munches, head to the Events calendar section. Since TheCage has members from all over the world, you might have to pick through a lot of non-munch and foreign language postings.

There are member-generated blogs, image boards, and a Magazine section, which has a massive collection of articles written by their in-house staff. There’s also the Personals feature if you’re keen on casual hookups.

The website also has a sizable library of well-made podcasts by members as well as cross-posted audio-on-demand content from professional podcasters. Members also post sound bytes on Audio Clips. If you want to hear the voice of certain members, this is the place to go.

Visitors can view most of the content mentioned above including user profiles, provided the owners have made their details public. But responding to posts and submitting your creations require entry-level registration, which is free.

TheCage is an outstanding platform for people who want access to a large variety of resources apart from finding nearby munches.

4. Fetopia

Fetopia is Western Europe’s answer to FetLife. Its current member count clocks in at more than 200,000. The website supports several languages, including English, German, French, Italian, and Scandinavian languages.

Pretty much everything on Fetopia is locked behind a registration. Munches and other happenings are posted on the Calendar tab. The Discussions and Groups sections are good places to ask around for local gatherings as well.

Setting your “contact type” on your social settings will give other members an idea of what you’re looking for. For example, “Club company” means you’re open to clubbing and party invitations, while “Social kink” indicates you’re in the market for some light kink play.

Fetopia is a work in progress and visitors will almost certainly have trouble with the shaky language selection feature on the homepage. But if you’re in the Eurozone, this is one of the better places for finding a munch.

5. BDSM Dating Sites

Many BDSM dating sites offer much more than the prospect of a romantic relationship. Most of them have interactive features for casual socialization, including avenues for finding munches in your immediate location.

Dip your toes into these popular dating sites for the possibility of love and friendship.

These platforms have location-based partner finders as well as events calendars, which might just get you your next munch date.

Chatbots and fake profiles on social networking and dating websites are often linked to money scams and other cybercrimes. Our beginner’s guide to furry dating has a section on how to identify online scammers. We highly recommend giving it a read before interacting with strangers on the platforms listed above.

“Anywhere Else I Can Find an Online Group for Munches?”

Say what you will about Reddit and the people who frequently post on it (AKA Redditors), but it does a pretty good job at pulling together people with even the most obscure of interests. The massively popular discussion platform plays host to almost three million subreddits—forums dedicated to a specific topic.

Look past the flagrant toxicity and laughable white knighting or “simping”, and you might find vital info on munches near you. We recommend starting with larger subreddits, like r/BDSMcommunity or r/BDSMAdvice.

Join and browse these groups for munch data. Make friends and talk with the more sane and approachable members. They might give you the leads you need. When you get more comfortable with the platform, you can move on to creating a post asking if there are munches held in your city or town.

Hopefully, you’ll connect with Redditors who attend munches in your area or someone who knows of another subreddit that’s tuned in to a certain location, like r/BDSMaustralia, for example.

Signing up (and maybe the patience of a rock) is mandatory for joining subreddits, responding to boards, messaging, and creating posts.

A Google search of possible munches near you is also a simple and viable option. Type in “BDSM munch + [your area],” and something will probably come up. Again, if you get nothing, widen your search terms and change the location to larger or nearby towns or cities.

Organization Membership for Finding Munches

Think of membership-based BDSM or BDSM-adjacent organizations as super formal munches. They exist primarily to provide support to members as well as education and awareness to the vanilla public.

Joining “official” organizations links you to many people who coordinate munches or know others who conduct them. It’s for when you tire of rolling the dice on online searches and want a more steady or even secure supply line of social gatherings.

Groups like the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) and the Center for Sex Positive Culture (CSPC) take in members from all over the US. Most organizations like these require monthly or annual membership fees. Also, don’t be surprised if you have to go through stringent pre-screening processes before getting accepted. Some organizations even require a psychological exam.

Aligning yourself with larger organizations seems costly in more ways than one. However, they provide much more than opportunities for socialization. Many, if not most kink and fetish enthusiasts belong to minority groups, which are often marginalized and discriminated against. If you’re in a minority bracket, the group and its members will provide moral support and practical assistance. You’ll have the chance to do the same for fellow members, too.

What To Expect in a Munch

A munch experience depends on a wide variety of factors. No two are the same. Here are a few key elements that influence this fun and enriching affair.

1. Demographic/Attendees

Munches often have a certain theme affixed to them. It’s most likely a specific kink, age range, or others. Sometimes it gets incredibly laser-pointed, like a munch for under 35-year-old trans people who like underwater bondage, for example.

Some munches are broader in their scope, like ones for newcomers to the BDSM world. Pick an event in which you’d be the most comfortable, especially if it’s your first.

There’s no sense in showing up to a gathering and then just clamming up the whole time because you simply fail to relate to the topic or the attendees. It will render the entire thing useless for you.

You may also meet BDSM allies and BDSM-curious people. They don’t necessarily practice kinks but are there for the social aspect of the munch. When meeting these nice people, don’t make it a point to fully draw them into the lifestyle. That choice is up to them and no one else.

2. The “Greeter”

Many munches have a designated “greeter” who also stands in as the event host. Most of the time, it’s the organizer. Think of the greeter as a hype person. They task themselves with keeping conversations rolling and warming everyone up with each other.

The greeter is also the one who introduces first-timers to the not-so-newcomers. Following the lead of the greeter pays off. They are usually very adept at familiarizing newbies with the ins and outs of the get-together at a leisurely pace.

We suggest letting the greeter know of your expectations and what you’re comfortable with beforehand, so they can fashion your first munch experience into something that’s not too daunting.

Also, greeters are excellent resource persons for other munches and organizers within your proximity.

3. Time, Location, Scale, and Agenda

We heavily likened munches to large-scale interest-based festivities that draw people in droves. But, in reality, munches are small, intimate gatherings for the most part. They hardly ever get to Dragcon levels.

They are typically held in publicly accessible spaces, such as restaurants, watering holes, coffee shops, etc. And even then, munches only occupy a couple of tables or a private room. A munch that takes up an entire sensibly sized restaurant is considered grand.

Munch coordinators usually don’t explicitly reveal to the venue management and staff that the event is kink-related. This is for maintaining the privacy of the attendees. As such, you may find that the organizer will use a code or a fake group or event name, such as the “chess club” or “choir group”, when referring to the munch. The organizer will let all attendees know this code ahead of time. Always keep it in mind and make sure to use it during the event.

Munches can be scheduled at any time of the day, just like any event. The duration also varies greatly—mostly depending on the attendees and venue.

Munches are largely informal and lack any sort of ceremonial structure. The host may hold ice-breakers or have a few talking points, like discussing the details of the group’s upcoming island getaway. But eventually, everything gives way to casualness.

In any case, the organizer will indicate the agenda and other requirements on the event listing, like if it’s a “Dom only” event, for instance. Don’t hesitate to ask if something seems unclear.

These events are not play parties or dating services. They’re often far from it. Socializing is the main aim—making new friends and meeting old ones. On rare occasions, the topic of BDSM doesn’t even come up during a munch.

4. Cost

Most munches involve food and drinks, and attendees pay for what they order.

If venues require rental fees, a competent organizer will let everyone know beforehand if they need help footing the bill. Sometimes a generous party will sponsor the entire thing—refreshments and all.

If you’re worried about expenses, Google the establishment and look at its menu. See if the items on offer are within your budget. Remember that you’re not obligated to order anything. There’s no point in maxing out your credit card just to impress your fellow munchers.

Proper Munch Etiquette for Beginners

Avoid party fouls and maintain good social form by observing these munch protocols.

1. Attire

Casualwear is almost always the dress code. Munches are held in vanilla locations, so keep it family-friendly. That means kink and fetishwear are highly inappropriate.

If you insist on imparting a teeny tiny bit of BDSM touch to your look, a tasteful collar or subtle leather boots are fine. Wear ones that wouldn’t look conspicuous in a place where grandma would take her grandkids for ice cream.

Don’t throw a fit if the event head or other members ask you to take off an accessory that’s deemed by the present company as “too suggestive”.  You’ll have plenty of other opportunities to wear it.

The venue’s management might get complaints from other patrons if you show up wearing a gimp mask. And your group might be asked to leave or, worse, get banned from the location.

Leave your hanky code shenanigans for another time and place as well. A munch is not the course for telling the initiated that you’re a bottom who’s into fisting.

2. Keep it in your pants

As we mentioned, munches are not sexual events. Figuratively humping the leg of anyone who makes eye contact with you is in incredibly poor taste.

Never use a munch as a way of finding romance or sex. You will not have a good time, and your horny tactics will also negatively affect the overall vibe of the event.

Uphold dignity and stick with casual socialization. If you encounter someone who tickles your fancy (and naughty bits), wait until the end of the event before asking for their contact information.

Even then, you might find that many people aren’t comfortable with sharing personal tidbits with other attendees. Never pry or force people into revealing sensitive personal information. Leave it at that and don’t take it personally. It’s just how it goes at times.

3. Privacy is sacred

Taking photos and videos of the gathering and its participants is one of the biggest munch no-nos.  A “No cameras allowed” warning is not uncommon.

Some people aren’t open about their interest in kinks and fetishes. They’re often immensely sensitive about getting photographed in a BDSM event as it may out them.

Don’t talk about other people’s kinks. It’s information that’s theirs to divulge. You have no right to discuss intimate details they aren’t comfortable publicizing.

4. Ask before touching

For one reason or another, many kink enthusiasts are quite fragile about physical contact. Munches aren’t your typical social gathering where people just hug it out haphazardly. Therefore, it’s good practice to always ask first before touching someone.

The same goes for other people’s belongings, including worn accessories and clothes. Consent is king and ruler in BDSM and its jurisdiction includes munches.

5. Keep the conversation light

They say you shouldn’t talk about politics, religion, sex, and money, particularly, about a person’s source of income, at casual events. It’s sound advice that applies to munches as well.

Maybe sex is an exception, but read the room before talking about topping techniques. All in all, stick to less risqué topics, such as movies, books, food, and such.

6. Titles of address and pronouns

As a general rule, titles of address, honorifics, and BDSM names don’t apply to munches. Many practitioners are rather possessive or protective of their title and kink name. And they’d probably much prefer them not to get mentioned or tossed around casually at munches.

In some events, name tags are provided. Use the names indicated on them instead of going around calling someone “Master Paddler”. Also, prioritize the name on their tag even if you know their vanilla name.

A large percentage of BDSM folk belong to the LGBTQ+ community. When in doubt, ask a person about their preferred pronoun. Apologize if you used the wrong one and got corrected. Just the same, politely correct others if they used the wrong pronoun on you.

7. Socialize and be courteous and polite

Even if you’re an introvert, try to open up a bit and entertain others’ socialization efforts. Sane and decent people can often detect if a person is shy or reserved and will respect their boundaries accordingly.

However, as with any gathering, you’ll find people who fail to recognize social cues. Some even actively ignore them. Then there are those who make it their mission to prey on fresh-faced new arrivals.

If you encounter an overbearing individual, use body language to subtly turn them down. Slowly turn your body away from them or avoid eye contact when they try to accost you. You can also try politely excusing yourself out of a conversation that they worm themselves into.

If all else fails, try the direct approach and tell them that they’re making you uncomfortable. Maintain a firm yet calm tone. Say it with a straight face if you can manage it. Let them know that you’re not a plaything just because you’re new to the munch scene.

Getting too drunk on your first few munches isn’t recommended. The sauce might provide liquid courage but you’re playing with fire. You might just end up making a fool of yourself in front of your new friends. If alcohol will play a large part in a munch, always come with at least one very close kink friend. And don’t ever drink and drive.

Don’t forget about the waitstaff of your venue. Tip them personally or pitch in if it’s a collective tipping sort of situation.

“Can I Start My Own Organization?”

If you’re up for the challenges of coordinating a local munch of your own, you most certainly can start your own group. Probably the main reason why you’d want to initiate a munch is that you can’t find one within your immediate location.

The list of expectations and etiquette guide above should help get you started. But consider the additional logistics tips below.

  • Make sure that the location you choose is safe. This means the surrounding area should be well-lit at night and is easily accessible by both personal vehicles and public transportation. Book your tables as early as two weeks before the event.
  • A munch is nothing without attendees. Publicize your event through the internet. Make your event listing as detailed as you like. Be responsive to queries, especially ones coming from newcomers. And—this is very important—confirm that all attendees are of legal age.
  • Start small to not overwhelm yourself. Keep the headcount to under 10 people for your first munch and work your way up when you’re more experienced and at ease.
  • Open yourself up to scrutiny and adjust your tactics accordingly. Ask for constructive criticism from your attendees. Don’t be too thin-skinned as well. Your success as an organization head depends on your willingness to grow.

You may have other reasons why you’d prefer your own group. Perhaps you didn’t enjoy yourself in the munches you’ve previously attended. Maybe the attitude of the people there wasn’t to your liking.

If you think you tried your absolute best in making those munches fruitful for yourself and others but still found them lacking, odds are there are other people who feel the same. They’re probably the same ones who will gravitate to the munch you’re starting.

Know that starting your own series of munches should always go toward enriching your local scene. Never do it to spite other established organizers, local groups, or certain kinksters you don’t like. A munch group is not a street gang. Don’t equate putting together new munch groups to starting a turf war.

Your intentions must always come from a positive place, because, as it is, BDSM people already have to put up with a lot of negativity from people who don’t understand the lifestyle. Act as a pillar of the community. Use your munches as a tool for bringing kinksters closer together in a safe and supportive environment.

If you want genuine advice on how to kickstart your own munch, get it from other people who’ve already done it. Chat rooms are excellent sources of these indispensable pieces of information. Check out our beginner’s guide to BDSM chat rooms and maybe you’ll meet someone who’ll give you a masterclass in munch coordination.