Did anyone say BDSM for dummies? We got you.
The basic tenets of a dominant and submissive relationship might seem self-explanatory, but getting into the scene is nowhere near smooth sailing. There’s more to rewards than giving oral sex just as there’s more to punishments than spanking and forced orgasm.
In fact, there’s more to it than sexual acts in the bedroom. A BDSM relationship will often find itself seeping into real life—the power dynamic now more a lifestyle than a kink.
Here’s a fact: not every reward and punishment will be applicable to every submissive out there. It’s only logical that different people will have different wants.
Here’s another fact: unless the submissive explicitly states what works or doesn’t work for them, the dominant partner won’t be able to perform the appropriate BDSM punishments and rewards. This is especially true for submissive newcomers, who are still largely unaware of what works for them in bed and are therefore unable to contribute to the conversation. Nothing is worse than an unresponsive submissive.
Even dominants can find themselves stuck in a rut when it comes to giving BDSM punishments and rewards that are suitable for the submissive. How will this set-up fare in a long-distance relationship, for example? Varying contexts will require varying stimulants.
If you’re keen on a certain outcome, rewards are found to be a more effective behavior modification tool. If you’re keen to give your submissive a chance to correct bad behavior to receive purification from guilt, punishments are the way to go.
Not Every Kinky Relationship Is The Same
In longer arrangements, BDSM couples might opt to use a point system to achieve a more fulfilling reward at the end. Having this kind of set-up teaches the submissive to be patient and consistent over the course of a few weeks or even months. Some popular examples of a non-sexual punishment is having a money jar to save up for a shopping spree or a long weekend staycation that accumulates over time.
On the other hand, others want the experience to be less systematic. One Reddit couple shared that they created a personalized reward and punishment deck, in which the submissive will reach in and grab a card at random. Whatever says on the card is to be followed. Not knowing what to expect will surely add more excitement to the mix.
Regardless of your chosen route, you’ll need to brainstorm what kind of BDSM punishments and rewards work for you and your partner. Even if you already have an established list on hand, habitual BDSM punishments and rewards can get boring pretty fast, especially if you’re engaged in a long-term scene that goes beyond the bedroom, such as TPE. This is why it’s always better to have extra options ready to spice things up every once in a while.
Various Kinds of Rewards and Punishments
It’s common to know that a reward is a positive reinforcement to encourage good behavior while a punishment is a negative reinforcement to prevent bad behavior. However, you might be surprised to find out that there are also positive punishments and negative reinforcements in psychology. It sounds like an oxymoron—after all, how can a punishment be positive?
Psychology tells us there are four kinds of dynamics, which can easily be incorporated into the scene depending on the desired outcome. The following are:
- Positive punishment: something is added to the mix that discourages the person to continue the behavior (e.g. forced orgasm)
- Positive reinforcement: something is added to the mix that encourages the person to continue the behavior (e.g. dirty talk)
- Negative punishment: something is taken away from the mix that discourages the person to continue the behavior (e.g. orgasm denial)
- Negative reinforcement: something is taken away from the mix that encourages the person to continue the behavior (e.g. restrained movement for brats)
Be on the look out for what we call “fun-ishments”! You can easily turn a submissive into a brat without realizing it if punishments are picked and enacted poorly. Also, some BDSM punishments can act more like a play than a penalty. If we’re being honest, wearing vibrating panties is hardly a punishment to anyone.
“Fun-ishments” are what seem like BDSM punishments to vanilla people but are generally considered pleasurable for BDSM practitioners. The same can go for spanking, whipping, and paddling, but these can either serve as a positive punishment or a positive reinforcement, depending on whether or not the submissive views the act as desirable.
Why are we delving deep into the psychology of BDSM punishments and rewards, anyway? Learning the distinctions between these concepts can help your mind in coming up with a creative list of your own. When nuances are acknowledged, there is greater freedom to think outside the box. This is especially helpful when you want to surprise a submissive with something you haven’t done before.
Interesting BDSM Rewards
Fortunately for us, consent is less of a concern when it comes to rewards. Simply tap into what the submissive is into. Instead of asking yourself what would make a submissive happy, ask yourself what would make your submissive happy. You’ll find that it pays to personalize!
Allow an orgasm (or five!)
Having an orgasm is a privilege, not a right. No one knows this better than a submissive at the mercy of their dominant. Instill in them that they have to work hard for each and every orgasm you allow them to experience. It’s so easy to take orgasms for granted, which is why this exercise in self-control is crucial to creating that patience and trust between the two of you.
One creative way to raise the stakes is to build up that sexual frustration from the beginning. For instance, make good use of your collection of BDSM lingerie and kinky toys. Have the submissive wear a panty vibrator or butt plug while doing a household chore. Put the device on the lowest setting that is enough to sexually arouse them but not enough to make them climax. Only reward them with an orgasm after the dutiful completion of a concrete task.
Give a massage
Here’s a physical reward without sexuality involved—a full-body massage! Some back or foot rubs can also do the trick. You don’t need to be a professional masseuse to give them a relaxing time! In fact, you might even have certain advantages over a masseuse when it comes to knowing where your submissive likes to be touched.
The impeccable bond of trust you have with your submissive will also make it easier for them to loosen up under your bare hands. Don’t forget to give them body kisses in between! The fun in oiling them up during the massage is the fun that inevitably follows after shower time.
Focus on love languages
We did say that what constitutes a reward is wholly dependent on the recipient. Make the submissive feel appreciated by doing what they appreciate the most using the five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and gift-giving.
This is the best place to start if you’re one clueless partner. Start with the generic idea then zoom in on specific love-language-oriented rewards as you and your partner go along. Granted, it’s a much more intimate reward, but the effort won’t go unnoticed for sure!
Treat to a mini-blow out
Contrary to popular belief, rewards can feel grand without hurting the wallet. Instead of spending thousands of dollars on a shopping spree, take them out for a nice manicure and pedicure session. Get them all dolled up for both of your satisfaction. You can also treat them to a day at the spa or have a favorite restaurant food to-go.
It’s these small rewards in life that make life—and the future of the BDSM relationship—worth looking forward to. It’s also twice the fun if the dominant joins the submissive in the chosen activity!
Engage in quality time
Sure, you and your partner spend a lot of time together, but how much of it was spent in quality? Have a nice dinner out—it doesn’t have to be anything fancy as long as both of you have your phones put away and your attentions focused only on each other throughout the night. Talk about matters beyond sex, if it’s within the contract to get to know each other on a more personal level.
Another suggestion is to watch a show or movie of the submissive’s choice. After all, don’t they deserve that much attention on them after a hard day’s work of being a faithful and obedient submissive?
Try a new kink
Dominants have the power to dictate how things go in the bedroom most of the time, so it would be nice to follow the submissive’s lead every once in a while. Is there something your partner wanted that you denied them previously? If so, that’s definitely a reward worth pursuing!
You might not be the biggest fan of swallowing cum, licking a foot, or roleplaying as a rapist, but if it’s the reward the submissive wants, it’s the reward the submissive should get! Make them feel like the dirty slut they are. It’s a small sacrifice—and a pleasurable one at that—in exchange of the many times the submissive has done the same for you.
Interesting BDSM Punishments
Punishment is a lot more than a physical manifestation of pain. In fact, the most effective ones tap into emotional and mental activities. With “fun-ishments” growing more in popularity these days, what constitutes real BDSM punishments then? For one, it’s anything that doesn’t result in the submissive being wet or hard. In non-sexual contexts, it’s anything that would be met with hesitance, frustration, or even refusal to carry out.
Kneel on rice
Just when you thought kneeling on wooden floors is painful enough, try having the submissive kneel on dried rice, sand, salt, seed, or any other granulated matter. The pull of gravity will concentrate on the knees, having the entire body weight hinged on a few pieces of rice. The longer they kneel on the rice, the deeper the rice penetrates the skin, inflicting more agony as time goes on.
If the submissive happens to be food insecure, a great way to extend the punishment is to have them cook and eat the rice themselves after being used in the kneeling session. That way, no grain goes to waste.
Nipple or genital clamps
Even for BDSM practitioners, nipple or genital clamps cause a lot more pain than pleasure. Interestingly, clamps can also produce a great level of discomfort once removed, so playing with them could also be worthwhile. Because the experience can get overwhelming fast, even for more experienced submissives, remember to move at a slow pace. Not every person has the same level of sensitivity and pain tolerance, so tread with caution.
Pro-tip: the amount of pain a clamp can inflict increases the closer it is to the tip of the nipple. For increased pain, remove the plastic teeth cover that comes in most clamps. The pinching sensation of steel is a different ball game altogether.
Stress position
Ask them to do a plank, a wall squat, the strappado, or be on en pointe. If you have no idea where to start, do a quick Google search on yoga poses that can easily be incorporated into the bedroom—you might be surprised to find that even the simplest of positions can hurt like hell!
For example, the chair pose is a squat with a narrow stance and extended arms facing up, while the eagle pose is a standing balance position that stretches the upper back and hips and builds leg strength.
Sometimes, a stress position isn’t even always a position—have them hold coins to the wall with a finger or nose. If you’re feeling a little more creative, you can also opt to play a game of Twister. Whatever position the submissive ends up in, they have to hold themselves in place for more than a few minutes at a time.
Take note that being in a stress position for too long can lead to muscle failure, so make sure to keep the punishment to less than an hour at a time.
Humiliation
Here’s one that won’t necessitate any tool or equipment: humiliation play. Have the submissive accomplish the same task they failed to do, except this time there’s humiliation involved. Make sure the humiliation will entail mild forms of inconvenience, too.
If the bathroom isn’t cleaned upon request, have the submissive clean the bathroom with their wrists cuffed as you watch them. Haven’t done laundry? No underwear for a week for them. Dinner isn’t ready for the night? Make them do a restaurant run with no shoes on. Are they talking back like a brat? Force them to say an honorific at the end of every response—master, queen, princess, sir, daddy—for the rest of the week, even in public with others around.
Restriction of freedom
The dominant will be a full-on parent mode with this one. Restricting one’s freedom is especially applicable when both of you live under the same roof. Take away phone rights or limit the number of hours allowed on the internet. You can even put them under home arrest in more severe cases of disobedience.
They can’t say no because you’re the authority figure in the house. In extreme cases, this can even interfere with the submissive’s life outside of the bedroom. The dominant could lock them in a room for the rest of the day when they’re supposed to be at work or taking care of children.
For most couples, those scenes are a hard limit that should never be crossed—but isn’t that all the more reason to use it as a BDSM punishment upon negotiation?
Emotional withdrawal
The power this one holds when you’re in a committed relationship with your submissive is unlike any other. In this case, being passive rather than active is a more effective punishment to have the submissive wallow in shame.
In a no-contact arrangement, there is no seeing each other, let alone having sex. There will be no phone calls, no texts, and no notes, either. There’s nothing worse than being completely ignored by the person you trust with your life.
The silent treatment is often regarded as the worst form of emotional abuse because it makes the other party feel unwanted and unimportant. However, it can cause emotional problems of abandonment in the submissive if done too often, so use it sparingly!
Sensory deprivation
Sensory deprivation is another sure-fire way to get the submissive to obey as commanded. Most submissives would tell you they absolutely hate the feeling of it. Spanking and whipping might be bearable, but sensory deprivation for long periods of time? You can bet they’ll do everything they can to avoid getting into that situation.
It’s a fun experience in the bedroom, but a whole different scenario if they’re left alone in a room with no one touching them. You don’t need any fancy equipment to incorporate this in the punishment list, either: just use a blindfold for the eyes and plugs for the ears.
Couple sensory deprivation with bodily restriction for hours at a time and your submissive will receive the worst punishment in their lifetime.
Your Submissive Partner Deserves Nothing Less
Remember that enthusiastic consent is the foundation of every BDSM relationship. You’ll find that most couples prefer to have punishments and rewards negotiated instead of imposed. Desires and boundaries are clearly defined before a scene, including what kinds of physical or emotional penalties are permitted.
The dominant might punish the submissive in a way that the submissive finds unpleasant or uncomfortable and is, therefore, effective, but never in a way that the submissive hasn’t consented to beforehand. The submissive could hate the feeling of being slapped, but in a punishment scenario, it would be a warranted act to stop a certain behavior. Even in pain, consensual BDSM punishments are the way to go.
Overall, the punishment should fit the crime, as should the reward. Too much of either can lead to disobedience, resentment, or worse, indifference toward the dominant’s rules. It takes practice not only to enact the rewards and punishments, but also to come up with them in the first place. Be cautious, but most of all, enjoy the experience!
