Many societies across the globe have adopted a more progressive approach to gender roles. Heterosexual men don’t have to be beer-chugging, testosterone-addled neanderthals who like sports and barbecues. It’s okay for them to like rom-coms, talk about their feelings, and openly enjoy colorful, sugary cocktails.
Women are no longer seen as docile, delicate creatures who are expected to squeeze out kids and run the house. Today, they can be as handy in a warzone as any male soldier and still be traditionally feminine.
What’s between our legs no longer defines what we can and can’t do. Sure, there are very specific limiting factors, like biology. But, for the most part, many people don’t let gender get in the way of what role they play in society or their intimate relationships.
The spirit of the strong woman who bows to no man—not even her husband—has dominated society for decades. But there are still women who voluntarily choose to take the more traditional route when it comes to their domestic lives.
The art and science of being a submissive wife are not lost to history. In this post, we’ll give you a crash course on how to be one—a good one at that. We’ll also touch on the benefits of being a submissive missus.
Is being a submissive female in this day and age detrimental to societal progress? We’ll touch on that and other spicy issues, so please read on.
A Brief History of the Submissive Female
Men are arguably physically superior to women. Hunter-gatherer societies relied heavily on the strength of males for necessities and protection. But this didn’t necessarily mean that women lived a life of servitude to men.
It’s theorized that women typically stuck with their mothers or may have had the freedom to detach themselves from their groups if they felt oppressed. Mated couples can also move away to begin a life that’s separate from the group they grew up in.
Around 12,000 years ago, people discovered the wonders of agriculture and started to settle down, abandoning their nomadic lifestyle. It’s thought that this amplified the influence of men as providers and protectors. Invaders brandishing more sophisticated weapons called for strong defenders. Women, of course, had little choice but to serve the ones that preserve their and their young ones’ lives.
Women were often the ones who moved in with their husbands’ families, beginning this time. And what large families they were! Fathers, sons, brothers, uncles, etc., mostly settled down close to each other. This created small pockets of patriarchal (male-led) communities. Ladies had to adapt to nuanced traditions and practices set by their husbands’ fathers and their fathers before them.
This history of men ruling over women carried over to religion. Take Christianity, for example. A passage in the New Testament states that the husband is the head of his wife just as Christ is the head of the church. The church is Christ’s subordinate and so should the wife to her husband.
It’s God’s word, and therefore an absolute truth in the early days. This is often referred to as biblical submission wherein the Christian wife is expected to practically treat her husband as a god. The Judaism and Islam faiths also share this sentiment.
Throughout history, the submissive wife had strong practical roots. In times of great barbarism and violence, wives supported their “heroes” through service and submission. And that included maintaining a favorable relationship with their own husbands’ extended family.
How to Be a Submissive Wife
Let’s look at how to begin your journey as a submissive wife and what the role constitutes.
1. Getting started
There are several ways of getting the ball rolling. The most direct path is by telling your husband straight-up that you’ve decided to become more submissive and there shall be major changes in the dynamics of your relationship.
This method works well for couples who have no problems vocalizing their thoughts to each other. Odds are, your husband will be delighted that you’re going to dedicate yourself much more to him. There’s a huge chance that he’ll also outline what he’s willing to do for you in exchange, and this can be incredibly exciting.
If bluntly exclaiming that you’ll be taking up the role of a submissive wife seems a tad awkward or grandiose for your liking, you may consider taking a more subtle approach.
This doesn’t require a direct discussion. Instead, you quietly introduce your new submissive self through actions. Here are a few examples of how you can do this.
- Allowing him to make most decisions in your daily life
- Surprising him with elaborate dinners when he gets home from work
- Running the house in the way he wants it to be run
- Giving him more control in the bedroom
Do these things gradually to acclimatize your spouse to the new you. If things go right, you’ll also begin to notice positive changes in his attitude toward you and your family.
If you already have an unspoken dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship—with your husband being the dominant and you the latter—you simply have to intensify your role. The foundations are already in place. It’s just a matter of strengthening them.
2. Obey and let your husband lead
You can’t be submissive if you expect to have your way. As long as your husband’s wishes are within reason and not bordering on the abusive, grant them with a smile.
You won’t get the satisfaction of being a submissive wifey if you’re struggling with power. Fully immerse yourself in the role. Being tentative or hesitant might lead to tensions in the relationship. You must make your husband feel that he’s the leader and that you’re in it for the long run.
Support and reinforce his decisions. Direct all your efforts to your husband’s requests. If you can’t get to them immediately, let him know that you’ve acknowledged them. Get them done the first chance you get. Make your husband realize that you are a functioning part of the machinery that is your family.
You are your husband’s helper but do remember that you’re not a zombie. It’s not above your paygrade to scrutinize his orders. Keep an eye out for commands that aren’t geared toward bettering your relationship and your family life at large.
3. Have an eye for detail
Put great attention to even the smallest of details regarding your husband. Zero in on his likes and loves and completely avoid doing anything that will rile him up even just a bit.
This can range from how he wants his pants pressed to the rareness of his steaks. It’s not just about giving or doing things that please him. The exact way he wants these things done is also vital to his enjoyment.
It’ll be better if you can master these things without having to ask him directly. He’ll find it flattering and sweet that you know the things he needs and wants through mere observation. But err on the side of caution when in doubt. Ask him if you’re not a hundred percent sure about how he wants things done.
If your husband has health issues and is under medication, keep a mental or actual note of his prescriptions and medication schedule. Note his dietary requirements and stick to them religiously.
Keep tabs on his mood and the best times to talk to him about things that he might find stressful, such as expenses and repairs. If money’s a little tight, draw up a budget for the household and take a bit of that load off of his shoulders.
Always aim for perfection if you can manage it.
4. Make him do work for you
Ask your husband for small favors that require a “man’s touch”. Need a jar opened? Make him do it even though a pair of rubber gloves would suffice. Ditch the footstool and have him get stuff that is out of your reach.
Make him feel important and needed. This is good of “herofying” your husband. Men love it whenever they come to their loved one’s rescue. It feeds their superiority and reinforces their position as a provider of not just material things but also of certain services that only a man can render.
Of course, always reward him for his efforts. Compliment him for his natural strength. A quick smooch here and there will make both of your days. These little gestures alleviate the mundanity of the things you ask from him.
5. Be a sympathetic ear
We’ve all been there. After a particularly harsh day, we just want to vent but don’t necessarily require advice or feedback. Just verbalizing frustrations is already therapy for many people. Unless he wants your two cents on the topic, keep your thoughts to yourself and just be present for him.
There are a few ways you can aid him in this situation. You can give him a backrub, hold his hands, or hug his arms while he tells his story. Whip up his favorite treats or put on relaxing music on low.
But perhaps the most important thing is that you listen and pay attention to the details of what he’s saying. Assume that he’ll ask you to chime in at some point. So you better be ready for your input on the matter if he does ask for your opinion. Say things that will make him feel at ease.
Be careful with your words and keep your responses brief. Don’t aggravate him by telling him he’s wrong for feeling the way he does. It’s not an invitation to a debate. He expects your understanding and support and those are what you’ll give him.
After he’s said everything he needs to say, do for him things that you know for sure will lighten up his mood. Take his mind off the stressful situation that he’s currently in or just got out of. If it’s quiet alone time he needs then leave him to his thoughts.
6. Carry yourself well around him and the house
Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. Wouldn’t you like to come home to a beautiful wife after toiling away at work? Of course, you do! It’s a huge stress reliever and a good reminder that your wife cares about you.
Now, “beautiful” is subjective, of course. How you make yourself look depends on your husband’s personal tastes. But there are a few common essentials. For example, you’d want to be in good shape, which also benefits you health-wise.
Is makeup a requirement? If that’s what he wants, but most men are happy with a fresh-faced wife who looks neat and smells nice. So that means no greasy hair and, for the love of decency, use deodorant.
If you’re feeling icky after doing chores, a quick shower is always a good idea. Always be ready for close contact with your spouse. You don’t always have to smell like a rose garden. A single spritz of a mild cologne on one of your pulse points (behind your ears or knees, on your wrists, etc.) will do.
Mind what you wear as well. Perhaps wear those nice house clothes he bought for you. Whatever you do, avoid looking scruffy and unkempt. Here are a few more suggestions for looking good for your better half.
- Maintain your eyebrows
- Have a feminine hairstyle
- Wear form-fitting clothes
- Have good posture
- Have your teeth whitened
- Shave your armpits and legs
- Have an effective skincare regimen
This all seems shallow, but caring about looks doesn’t just benefit your husband. Peppering a bit of superficiality into your life also does wonders for your self-esteem. So slather on those organic skin salves and liniments and get a huge confidence boost!
7. Be a full-time housewife and a great mother
This might be one of our spicier tips especially since we’re not all married to a tech billionaire.
If you can afford it, ditch your day job and focus all your energy on your husband and the home. As a full-time housewife, you have all the time you need to turn your house into the domestic paradise that your husband has always dreamed of.
You manage every single aspect of your home. You cook three meals a day plus snacks, make sure everything is spotless, and, most importantly, are always there for your husband whenever he needs you.
He doesn’t have to contend with your work schedule, and you don’t have to worry about managing your time—no more of that 9-5 nonsense. You do your wifely duties better, too, because they have your undivided attention.
If you have kids, you get to spend a lot more time with them as well. And your husband will absolutely love it! Seeing you take care of the fruits of your loins undistracted will delight him. This is particularly helpful if your spouse works long hours. Having at least one parent who’s always there for them is extremely important for children, especially during their formative years.
Treating your children—his heirs and the bearers of his bloodline—well and concentrating on rearing them to be good future adults is also a reflection of how much you value your husband. Kids are extensions of their parents, after all.
But before you turn in that resignation letter, consider the short and long-term effects of losing a substantial fraction of your overall income. Honestly speaking, it’s not something you should decide on your own, especially if you’re living paycheck to paycheck.
Money isn’t everything. But being there for your husband and kids full-time loses a lot of its sentimental value when there’s no food on the table and you can’t keep the lights on. Be practical and think things through as thoroughly as you can.
8. Protest softly
A healthy marriage is an imperfect marriage. No matter how submissive you are and how receptive your husband is to your affection and attention, lines will be crossed. You’ll still disagree at one point or another.
When you do and you’re still dedicated to being submissive, don’t give in to rage. Express your frustrations in a more lady-like manner. Instead of getting drawn into a shoutfest, reel your emotions in and just cry quietly. It’s an excellent way of defusing the situation. It may soften his mood or he’ll just walk away from the argument altogether.
You can also do this as a de-escalation tactic when emotions start running high. Let out a deep sigh or turn on the waterworks. You can also leave the room calmly to physically distance yourself from the brewing fight. Hopefully, your hubby will realize that arguing is more trouble than it’s worth and just let things go.
Anger and disdain are natural parts of any relationship. How you handle and approach them as a submissive spouse will determine the sustainability of the path you’ve chosen.
9. Get what you want and need without demanding
If you’ve done your job well as an attentive and caring wife, your husband will pay you back in kind. He’ll provide you with the basic needs and then some. But what if you want just a bit more from him?
You’re going to have to kick things up a notch or two, of course. He might be the dominant element in your relationship but he does rely on you for a lot of things. What you can do is play to your strengths.
Know what he finds extra charming or sexy about you and get your laser sights on them. If he’s partial to certain “activities” in the bedroom, then do them more frequently than normal. Ask his mother for recipes of his favorite childhood foods and make them for him. Really open him up to suggestions.
When he’s all buttered up, then start dropping hints. Show him an article about that tropical island getaway you’ve been eyeing. Window shop for jewelry with him but say that you’re “just looking”. Pretty soon he’ll get the idea and you’ll be in for a surprise. You didn’t even have to demand or beg for it.
Is it manipulative? Yes. There’s no other way of putting it. Is it abusive? Not in this context. Remember that you’ve been doing so much for him and you’re due for a bonus of sorts. You’re not doing a bad thing. You being a submissive wife to him clicks for the two of you because you both get something out of it.
Keep in mind that just because you’re submissive doesn’t mean you can’t use your womanly wiles to get things done. You can make it so that you’re the only thing that matters in your husband’s life and he’ll love you to the ends of the Earth for it.
On the other hand, his manliness and capacity as head of the house make him attractive to you. In a way, it’s the same thing. You seduce each other in one way or another and it’s doing your relationship a lot of favor.
10. Distinguish abuse from dominance
Before you enter the life of a submissive wife, know whether or not your husband has a truly dominant personality.
A true dominant will not take advantage of situations or people whom they think are below them. If they do so, they’re not just exploitative, it’s likely that they’re also abusive.
How do you determine if your partner has abusive tendencies? A simple and practical way is by observing how your husband treats restaurant or fast-food service workers. If a waiter messes up, does he explode and immediately assert his position as a paying customer? Does he turn into a full-blown “Karen” and demean the person publicly?
An abusive person will likely go down this route since they know that the waiter has little to no choice but to submit to their tirades. A dominant individual will often not act as crudely. They’re confident that they’re not the offending party and will not resort to insults and other childish tactics to prove a point.
Rather than make a scene, a dominant person will look for an immediate resolution. They won’t necessarily do it with a smile on their face. After all, they’ve been objectively wronged. But openly disempowering the server will not be first on their list of priorities.
Submitting to an abusive husband is never a good idea. You’re setting yourself up for a world of trouble, which can have extreme consequences. Only submit when you’ve proven that your husband is not in any way toxic.
Don’t tolerate even the slightest signs of abuse. Always remember that you can revoke your submission at any time even if you never formalized your intentions of granting it.
The Benefits of Being a Submissive Wife Today
When the receipts come in, do you really get anything meaningful from being a submissive wife? Yes, you do. And yet get quite a lot from it. Here are a few things that you can expect from submitting to your husband.
You live a more carefree Life
Your world revolves around your family. Many of the pressures of life no longer affect you as much as they did when you were neutral. Your husband—the dominant—takes the full load of taking care of your family’s financial needs. This is especially true if you’ve gone domestic full-time.
The stability that your husband provides gives you the freedom to channel your energies into things that you truly care about. You finally get to live the idyllic life you’ve always wanted.
You can be as much of a girly girl as you like
You don’t have to put on appearances of being tough and rough—a woman who can take a literal and figurative punch as well as the next testicle-having man. At home, as a submissive wife, you’re the sweet, feminine princess that you’re always meant to be.
You dress up, put on makeup, and wear shoes with 4-inch heels. A hyper-feminist, who cringes at the word “submissive”, will tell you that you’re setting women back but you won’t care. Because being beautiful and fragile to an extent makes you happy, which, in turn, makes your husband happy. The pants stay on the man just the way you like it.
You feel cared for
One issue of staying neutral is that it may hinder your husband’s willingness to care for you in more traditional ways. He may not quite know the actual level of affection that you’re willing to accept.
Formally establishing submissiveness is like opening the floodgates of love and care that your hubby’s been holding in. If it’s attention you’ve been craving then it’s what you’ll probably get, so long as you do your duties as a wife well. Also, you gain a more solid understanding of what it’s like to be appreciated for being you.
Less fighting and lesser chance of splitting up
You are less combative because you know that aggression is not the way to deal with men. You’ve learned well enough that unnecessary stress is completely avoidable, and you have the power to clear the air simply by letting small, inconsequential things go.
From your husband’s point of view, you’re keeping the peace and will likely put in work himself to meet you halfway. It’s not sweeping things under the rug. You both know and acknowledge problems but you choose to take the high road instead of fanning the flames of anger. Fewer fights mean more time and energy for good times.
Likelihood of infidelity is substantially decreased
When your husband gets everything he needs from you with significant interest, then there’s no reason for him to turn to other women. It seems like an oversimplified solution to cheating. But it’s not rocket science for a submissive wife.
A good submissive wife knows exactly what her husband wants and she provides them in such a way that he’ll feel like a king, and that he’d be a fool to mess up such a terrific arrangement.
Is Submitting to Your Own Husband a Sign of Weakness?
Submission requires a lot of courage and strength as well as an encyclopedic knowledge of your spouse. You relinquish a good degree of your freedom and control because you’re confident that your husband will make the right decisions for both of you.
Being submissive doesn’t necessarily equate to being lazy or retiring to a life free from the consequences of decisions. In fact, it takes quite a lot of work. Your support, service, love, and care for your partner reach heights that many wives wouldn’t even dream of. You make yourself and your services always available because it pleases you that your husband is pleased.
If you get some form of satisfaction from taking the role of a submissive wife, then that’s not really a show of weakness, is it?
You, as a submissive wife, aren’t voiceless. Keeping your husband happy is your top priority, but you’re entitled to your opinions and may suggest making changes that can improve your relationship.
You don’t just stand idly in the background awaiting orders. You observe and assess your husband as well—whether or not he’s keeping his end of the bargain. You trusted him well enough to give in to most, if not all of his whims. In return, he must uphold his role as a great provider and an able protector. If he takes and takes and doesn’t give back, then you have all the right to speak up.
Parting Thoughts
In BDSM, the two governing roles are the dominant (dom) and the submissive (sub). The sub role isn’t that much different from being a submissive wife outside of the BDSM context. In a total power exchange arrangement, the dom has total control over the sub. We’re talking about the submissive being of service 24⁄7.
In any of these circumstances, the submissive is never treated like an abused slave. They may get the title “slave” but there’s always mutual respect between the parties involved. A Dom/sub agreement is always with predetermined conditions and limits, which are constantly observed.
The same goes with submissive wives. Submission doesn’t have to apply to every aspect of the marriage. You can be selective. If you want to be submissive only when it comes to sex or during the weekends, then that’s your call. If you want to fulfill all of your husband’s wishes, then that’s fine, too.
Whatever angle you choose with this so-called “life-altering” decision, just remember that partial or full submission, you’re still an individual. Being a submissive wife shouldn’t strip you of your personality. And when things get a bit too rough for your liking, the door is always there and you have the key.
If you found our submissive wives guide helpful, do check out our other content on our blog.
