Who doesn’t like a spot of spanking or biting during sex? The answer would be a lot of people. But if you’ve ever considered slapping your partner’s butt or pulling their hair in the middle of a particularly steamy encounter, then congratulations! You might have a taste for S and M.

Sadism and Masochism or Sadomasochism (initialized as S&M, SM, and S/M) is a kink that deals with the pleasures derived from inflicting and receiving pain. It’s the last two letters in BDSM, with the first two being Bondage/Discipline and Dominance/Submission (D/s).

With mainstream society getting more and more exposed to unusual sexual kinks, it’s no surprise that many vanilla couples are taking on certain fetishes. But if you’re a beginner, you have a lot of homework on your hands. A kink that involves hurting another person may spiral out of control in a second.

A gentle and detailed introduction is in order and that’s what we’re here for. Let’s have a look at the basics of sadomasochism.

The S and M Starter’s Checklist

Pain and discomfort are central in sadomasochism, which means it isn’t something you take up on a whim. It involves a great deal of consideration and planning. Account for the following factors when starting your S&M journey.

1. Bring it up with your partner

All the preparation that’s coming your way will be for nothing if your partner isn’t up for S&M. But how do you float the idea without the whole thing becoming awkward?

One sort-of-subtle way of going about it is by gently bringing it up during vanilla sex. Ask them, “What would you do if I spanked your ass?” or say, “Pull my hair,” while they’re doing you doggy style. Note that if they reject the idea, then you shouldn’t go through with it. We’ll discuss this more in the next step.

If they respond positively, then you have an in. Observe them while they’re doing the act. If they’re obviously enjoying it, then it’s more points toward S&M. This makes the conversation afterward addressing how you liked a bit of pain a lot more organic and manageable.

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it over and over again—consent rules BDSM. The bottom—the person at the receiving end of pain in S&M—must give their approval regarding everything. The pain inflictor or top is bound by this law, full stop.

There’s some room for ifs and buts but, at the end of it all, if the bottom doesn’t agree with the terms, then the top has no choice but to honor and respect their decision.

3. Do your research

Sadomasochism and BDSM in general deal with many acts that are considered unacceptable in the vanilla sense. At the very least, they’re too strange for the liking of many. We suggest extensively researching the ins and outs of the kink.

By reading up or watching tutorials, you get a concrete idea of what to expect from S&M. Not only that, you also find out what is expected of you.

The physical, emotional, and psychological requirements of S&M are significant. Jumping into it without realizing the costs is unwise. Through practical knowledge, you determine whether or not you’re up for the challenges.

Porn is not a reliable source of information regarding S&M. It doesn’t give a behind-the-scenes look at kink preparation, which is extremely vital for newbies. A viable takeaway from hardcore skin flicks is pointers for execution. You learn how a variety of sex toys and tools are used. We don’t recommend taking anything more from them than that.

It’s better if you do this with your partner. Investigate together or separately. It hardly matters as long as you’re both sufficiently informed before you begin nailing down the details of your relationship in connection with S&M. This leads us to our next point.

4. Talk it out diligently

Openly communicate everything that’s on your mind with your partner. Maintain the highest level of honesty throughout your BDSM relationship. S&M is a weighty undertaking. Leave coyness about what’s allowed and what’s not at the door.

Establish the terms of the fetish side of your relationship early on. Don’t rush this part. Bring what you’ve learned from your research and meticulously weigh the pros and cons of whatever sexual activity you’re interested in.

Nothing is set in stone with S&M. Especially as beginners, no one will fault you for taking a trial-and-error approach. You may say you like flogging during your dialogues but then discover it’s not for you in practice. If you want to modify your preferences, voice it out. Your partner must acknowledge your decision.

5. Establish roles

The two main roles particular to S&M are the sadist and the masochist. The sadist supplies the pain and torture aspects of the scene. The masochist receives them—ideally with great and total enthusiasm. However, sadist and masochist aren’t widely used titles in the BDSM context. We’ll get into that later.

S&M roles are largely flexible. One night, you’re the top, the next, you’re the one getting whipped if you’re so inclined. Who plays what is entirely by preference. We’ll discuss the intricacies of these roles more down the line.

6. Start small and slow

When you’ve done ample research and established consent, you might get too excited about your newly discovered exploit. But resist the allure of going hard on your first attempt at spicing up your sex life.

Keep things light at first. Don’t throw everything you’ve learned from your research in your introductory scenes. There’s no need to immediately buy out half the sex toy shop. Start with the tools you already have at your disposal.

For example, spanking is an excellent starter activity and you only need your hands for it. Bondage is another recommendable prospect. You’d be surprised at how many viable restraining implements you have just gathering dust in your garage.

Get comfortable and then move on to more complex and sophisticated S&M plays. Do this gradually to prevent shock and the risk of serious injury.

7. Prepare for the worst

Even the most basic of S&M activities can get pretty intense. Your sessions can go from 0 to 11 in a snap. The potential for catastrophe is always looming over you. It always pays to be prepared for anything, especially for injuries.

Have a first-aid kit as well as top-quality safety scissors ready at all times. Even a bolt cutter is a recommended must-have if you’re partial to using steel locks and chains. Have bandages and topical antiseptic on hand, in case you draw blood. Cooling cream is great for heat and rope burns. Keeping a small stock of soothing eye drops wouldn’t be a bad idea.

Note each other’s medical conditions and have whatever it is that’s necessary for them ready to go at a moment’s notice. This may include medication, emergency contact, etc.

Safety is your top priority. Never forget that.

8. Have a safe word

The safe word is a staple in BDSM. When pain is the central element of your scenes, it’s even more important.

The safe word is the bottom’s way of communicating to the top to stop without totally breaking out of character. Playful and heated banter is a large part of S&M, and, at times, it may be hard to tell it apart from serious requests. The safe word is a means of clearly stating that the session needs to be put on hold.

It may signify that the bottom’s limits were crossed, they’re in a great deal of pain, or they simply need a break. Sometimes it can also mean that the pleasure is too much and they don’t want to climax just yet.

In any case, once the safe word comes into play, everything stops. The safe word is sacred, and a good top always honors it no matter what.

9. Aftercare is essential

Aftercare is an indispensable step in most, if not all BDSM plays. It’s essentially the cooldown period after every scene.

During aftercare, the Dominant or top caters to the needs of the submissive or bottom. Anything that will help bring the intensity of the recently concluded scene down will do. This may include cuddling, cleaning up the bottom, tending to injuries, etc.

A bit of sweet talk may help calm the atmosphere down as well. Basically, the top should provide anything and everything the bottom requires if they’re within his power. Healthy aftercare also means the top shouldn’t forget about themself.

Aftercare is even more vital for a kink that’s as physically and emotionally demanding as sadomasochism. The administration and reception of pain take their toll on participants.

This winding down ritual rounds up the sexual experience on a positive note.

10. Enjoy the experience

S&M, despite its arguably provocative nature, is all about sexual gratification for all partakers. In the vast landscape of kinks, it’s not what many enthusiasts would consider basic. It’s definitely a step up from a foot fetish, if the logistics are anything to come by.

So it’s absolutely fine if you end up feeling overwhelmed in your freshman attempt. Reel yourselves back in and take a breather when you find yourselves more stressed than delighted.

Tweak your strategies and jump back in or try an entirely different thing. The world of S&M is not isolated to just a handful of activities. You have a whole roster of stuff to try.

S&M Sexual Practice for Beginners

Get your S&M adventure off the ground with these beginner-friendly plays.

1. Impact play

Impact play primarily deals with hitting the bottom. It’s probably the most common kink in BDSM. It’s also the most accessible as far as S&M is concerned.

You don’t need expensive specialty paddles or whips for starters. As mentioned, you can do with just the hands for erotic spanking spells. A smoothed-out wood plank does an adequate job as a paddle.

Start with gentle taps on fleshy parts of the body, such as the butt cheeks or legs. Get in those erogenous zones, like the inner thighs, and inflict pain and pleasure at the same time.

2. Clamps

The nipples are the go-to body parts for clamping. They’re extremely sensitive and cause an eruption of sensations when stimulated. The meatier bits of the toes are also ripe for a bit of gadget-assisted pinching. Just stay clear of joints and tendons.

Be gentle when clamping and use ones that don’t have ridges. If they’re not available, improvise by padding down the “teeth” with cloth or silicone sheets.

3. Temperature play

Hot melted wax, ice cubes, and super-hot or cold creams or gels are the usual tools of the trade with temperature play.

In wax play, the top drips wax on sensitive spots, such as the lower back, chest, and tummy area. Ice works great for the nipples. It’s also astoundingly pleasurable when rubbed on the neck.

Always practice safety, of course. When open flames are in order, always have a fire extinguisher or a bucket of water with a towel soaking within.

4. Sensory deprivation and denial

We’re going into torture territory now. These techniques work well with bondage. One partner is tied down while blindfolded. This creates an agonizing state of anticipation. They don’t know what’s coming and when. And when they do come, they are completely helpless to do anything about them. Integrate impact play and orgasm denial into this scene for a combo attack.

Using a ball gag removes intelligible speech from the equation. When using a ball gag, be sure to establish a gesture-based safe word. Earplugs or muffs are optional but they do add to the deprivation aspect of the play.

5. Ball torture

The penis and balls are a man’s most prized body parts. So we’ve heard. They’re also quite sensitive—making them apt candidates for S&M punishments. Again, plays like impact and temperature work great for cock-and-ball torture (CBT). So don’t hesitate to throw the occasional spanking in there.

6. Humiliation

Pain and torture are relative. They don’t always involve the physical plane. Emotional pain is also a major part of S&M. The top can berate the bottom for their submissiveness or scold them like a child.

Be wary of emotional triggers, though. Actual cruelty has no place in S&M. Keep things playful and generally harmless when practicing verbal humiliation.

How S&M Affects Your Sex Life

BDSM, in general, has two major personalities or roles: the Dominant and the submissive (D/s). Depending on who you ask, some practitioners may say that the Dom should always play the top role and so on if the couple is in a D/s relationship officially.

There’s certainly a D/s dynamic in S&M plays. The one barking the orders is clearly the Dom while the follower is the sub. The bottom, despite being the receiver of pain, can have total control of the scene. The bottom can dominate the session by ordering the top to do painful things that they particularly enjoy. And that’s perfectly fine.

A D/s dynamic is more of a general lifestyle while S&M is largely contained within scenes. A Dom can take control of their sub’s entire life, but you’d be hard-pressed to see a top spanking their bottom at the mall food court. They’re each their own thing in the grand BDSM scheme.

How is Inflicting Pain Acceptable?

Sadism, if done unhealthily, is considered a sexual disorder. A genuine sadist probably won’t seek consent or respect limits. They may enjoy inflicting pain much more the more unwilling their victim is. Left unchecked, their actions may very well lead to grave consequences.

This association with sexual violence is why the BDSM community rarely applies the terms sadist and masochist to S&M practitioners. Dom and sub or top and bottom are the preferred titles in their vernacular.

A BDSM sadist, however, operates under the principles of safe, sane, and consensual (SSC). They know that it’s all for fun and pleasure for all involved. They extract positive stimulation from dominating another through pain inflicted under mutual consent. They are aware that their bottom should also find enjoyment in the things they do.

The Pleasures of Receiving Pain

Pain is a funny little thing. Most of us actively avoid it. But how is it a sexual stimulant to some people? It’s not that bottoms don’t feel pain. They do. They just get something more from it.

The human body produces endorphins as a way of curbing pain and stress. It’s locally sourced painkillers. Endorphins also impart a general feeling of well-being—a natural high, if you will. This is one part of pain that S&M practitioners hone in on.

Non-BDSM people experience it, too. Take those who get tattoos, for example. Getting tiny skin stabs at the rate of 50 to 3,000 times per minute also trigger the release of endorphins. It hurts at first but in tattooing sessions that can last for hours at a time, the person eventually begins feeling the good effects of the hormone. It’s literally a bloody good time.

Additionally, a study has shown that pain gained from sadomasochistic means may lead to an altered state. It suggests that the brain may direct blood flow away from areas affected by pain, which leads to a more relaxed feeling.

S and M Is Not Just About Sex and Pain

People who enjoy extreme S&M are actually in the minority. Most are in it for the tactile sensation and the feeling of slight discomfort. As mentioned above, often, pain is just the means to an end.

If done under the context of a D/s dynamic, S&M functions as a supplementary element to the relationship between the Dom and the sub. An S&M session doesn’t necessarily have to wrap up with intercourse. The feeling of having total control or the direct opposite of it is just as gratifying for some.

There’s a lot of overlap among the different kinks in BDSM. And it can get confusing when you’re trying to determine where one ends and another starts. This is why we highly recommend getting in touch with people who have hands-on experience. Our guide to BDSM chat rooms will make this task a lot easier for you, so check it out.