Even in relatively tame BDSM kinks, like using titles of address or blindfolding, there’s still the risk of lasting physical and emotional trauma. In the case of extreme kinks like consensual non-consent or breathplay, the chances get exponentially higher.
One of the cornerstones of BDSM is the safety of all participants. This principle spans the entirety of the lifestyle. Everyone’s well-being must be accounted for not just during scenes but also afterward when hearts are still racing and emotions are still running high.
This is where aftercare comes in. It’s an indispensable part of any kink and one that all BDSM practitioners should have a masterful grasp of regardless of their role.
What Is BDSM Aftercare?
After a particularly intense sexual experience, you may feel like you just ran a full marathon. You just pushed your body and mind to their limit, leaving your veins full of a thick hormone cocktail consisting of adrenaline, endorphins, etc.
The prevalence of these hormones in the body’s system during a scene triggers heightened physical and emotional sensations. But they don’t hang around for too long. Once they leave the body, you’ll experience the dreaded “drop”.
Think of the drop as a sugar crash. Children get a sugar high after eating a lot of sweets or carbohydrates. Then their energy drops significantly as a result of the sudden dip in their blood sugar level. They become irritable, exhausted, and generally difficult to deal with.
In more adult terms, think of the last time you binged on alcohol. Many people feel extreme hunger after imbibing. This is because alcoholic drinks are high in carbs and therefore high in sugar.
While drinking, your body is enjoying all that sugar you’re putting into it. When you suddenly stop, your blood sugar drops dramatically. Your body goes into drama queen mode and will feel like it’s being deprived of precious energy-giving nutrients. This usually triggers a strong hunger response.
And then what do you do? You stuff your face with carbs and fat at the nearest kebab shop. If you do binge eat after drinking, then congratulations are in order. You practice a form of aftercare!
In BDSM, aftercare refers to post-scene measures practitioners take to curb the effects of the drop as well as a whole host of other negative byproducts. Here are the common symptoms of the drop and other aftereffects of an intense scene:
- Exhaustion
- Disorientation and confusion
- Lethargy
- Body temperature and blood pressure fluctuations
- Pain and injuries directly caused by certain kinks
- Headache, dizziness, and nausea
- Muscle weakness
- Disconnection from reality
- Anti-social behavior
- Mood swings
- Depersonalization—the sensation of being disconnected from one’s body
- Hunger and thirst
- Restlessness
- Negative feelings and thoughts—self-harm, hatred toward the partner, etc.
Proper aftercare aims to eliminate or minimize these effects, which are different from person to person. The ultimate goal is to bring the participants back to the realm of reality—to make each other realize that the scene is fully and truly over and that they are safe and protected.
Normally, aftercare measures are determined beforehand through pre-scene discussions. If there’s one thing that should always be present is a well-stocked first-aid kit for minor injuries.
From the list of symptoms above, you can see that aftercare can be quite the tall order, depending on the intensity of the scene and how those involved reacted to it. You must be ready to administer both physical and emotional aftercare initiatives if you’re going to maintain healthy sex lives.
Examples of Physical Aftercare
The physiological effects of BDSM activities are often the more easily identifiable ones. There are many ways of soothing them. Here are some.
1. Tending to injuries
Disinfect and dress open wounds immediately using antiseptics and proper bandages. Use ice packs and topical medication for parts of the body that are red and sore from impact or temperature play.
Any sort of discomfort that isn’t likely to be resolved by first-aid treatment must be brought to everyone’s attention at once. Seek professional medical care if necessary.
2. Replenishment
Water must always be on hand. Energy drinks are also great for a particularly sweaty session as they restore lost electrolytes. Dehydration is behind many negative physical and psychological symptoms.
Revitalize the body with light but energy-rich snacks, such as nuts and fresh fruits. A bit of salt from potato chips and such will also help normalize electrolyte imbalance. Hit two birds with one stone with a smoothie, which hydrates and quells hunger at the same time.
3. Cleaning or bathing
Certain kinks are especially messy. Food, temperature, scat, watersports, and other similar plays can leave you encrusted in muck and gunk.
It’s much better if you clean up your partner instead of letting them do it themself. This service is a weighty gesture that doesn’t just offer physical aid but provides emotional comfort as well.
Up the game by using special toiletries that are reserved for this occasion. Get specialty body wash, soaps, and shampoos that have your partner’s favorite scent. Keep the sexy ball rolling by bathing together.
4. Massage
Relieve muscle and joint discomfort from being tied down for too long or impact play by massaging affected areas. This also lessens the chances of getting cramps in the immediate future.
Pro-level massage therapy know-how is not a requirement. The most basic massage techniques will do. Again, up the ante by going full aromatherapy on your partner. Use their favored essential oils and make the whole thing all the more relaxing.
Take great caution in massaging especially sore areas. Use a light touch and always ask how your partner is doing. You’ll know you’re doing it wrong when they start using your safe word in aftercare.
5. Sleep
Address exhaustion by inviting your partner to take a power nap. Ideally, this is best done after you’ve treated injuries and cleaned yourselves off. But if they want to sleep immediately after the BDSM play then let them.
Make the best out of it by cleaning up the scene or preparing other aftercare implements while they snooze. Make it a double by napping together if possible. Put all your gadgets on silent.
Sleeping heals. It’s a time when the body and mind recover from various forms of stress and injuries. Sleep also massively helps in dealing with the adverse effects of drastic hormonal decline.
6. Vanilla sex
Regular intercourse can be an excellent aftercare treatment. It’s great if you didn’t orgasm in your scene. But having seconds wouldn’t be a bad thing granted you both still have enough juice. Don’t force it if you’re already running on fumes.
Vanilla sex doesn’t just provide a release and physical connection. It also signifies the return to normalcy and gives you both a huge mood boost. Penetration isn’t the only thing on the table. Handies and oral will work tremendously well, too.
Emotional Aftercare Techniques
Aftercare functions in two ways. Emotional care must also coincide with physical remedies.
1. Cuddles and kisses
Cuddling and other forms of romantic physical gestures seem out of place on this list but giving hugs and kisses to your partner is more emotionally stirring than anything.
Physical contact means you’re present and there for your partner despite the harshness of the session you just came out of. Cuddles and make-outs help in realigning your sensual selves together.
Once more, wariness of your physical conditions is the top priority. Aggravating an already sore partner with a bear hug might yield you a slap or a shove instead of some sweet tongue action.
If, for some reason, your partner doesn’t want human contact, but is open to cocooning, wrap them in the coziest, most comfortable blanket you have.
2. A plain old chat
Talking is one of the most effective decompression activities even outside of the BDSM world. Chatting as your regular old selves without roles and titles, like with the previous entry, brings you back to Earth organically.
Having a normal conversation and joking around with the person you care for will remind you both that you’re each other’s anchors. If you’re practicing an extreme form of BDSM, talking casually will halt thoughts of antagonism and resentment.
What you talk about is entirely up to your taste. Some couples take this time to tackle the details of the preceding session. If you take this option, keep things constructive and leave criticisms for another time.
3. Recreational activities
Distance your minds from the intensities of the scene with distracting activities. Take up games, crafting, drawing, or any repetitive tasks that impart a sense of calm and keep the mind occupied.
Activities that require big brain energy might add to the frustration. You’re better off with things that put the mind pretty much on auto-pilot.
Watching dumb movies and binging on some lightly themed TV shows are also a couple of viable options.
4. Comfort food
Nutritional replenishment helps the body heal. But get the most out of the treatment by indulging in food and beverages that provide emotional recovery as well.
Practical options like water and foods that quickly restore energy are great. But go for things that you and your partner really enjoy as a supplement. If chocolates or fast food make you feel good beyond their nutritional value and will speed up recovery, then go for them.
If you know your partner well enough, make the gesture extra special by surprising them with their favorite comfort treats. Withhold this deed until the last minute and earn cookie points in the process.
5. Go on a date
Go out for a walk together or make a whole thing of it and go on a full date with dinner, drinks, and all.
This addresses two issues. Firstly, you physically widen the gap between yourselves and the place where you just held your session. It’s like leaving a large concert. It was enjoyable but it was also hot and overcrowded. The immediate comfort of getting out of there and feeling fresh air that doesn’t smell like smoke and AXE body spray is refreshing.
In aftercare, you leave some of the negative feelings and overwhelming energies, if there are any, at the scene. More often than not, the relief is near-instant.
Second, a date, no matter how simple or extravagant, is a much-needed face and bonding time for both of you. If you’re in a genuine romantic relationship, it’s prime time for re-establishing your connection.
What’s even greater is that you can use combinations of the different aftercare approaches on your trip out. Comfort food, a movie, a mind-emptying bike ride—these can all go in. It’s your call.
6. Alone time
As mentioned in the list of possible BDSM aftereffects, participants may become anti-social or feel other negative emotional and psychological consequences.
The rejection of any sort of human interaction is not uncommon. It’s a known toll of the hormonal drop and the particular intensity of the scene. The sub or bottom usually gets the worst of it since they’re at the receiving end of pain and humiliation.
When the smoke clears, they might feel abused despite giving their consent and the Dom or top staying within the boundaries. Guilt and shame for partaking in what’s widely seen by the outside world as unacceptable may also play a part in this.
These add up, resulting in the sub clamming up or even actively shunning the Dom’s aftercare efforts. If this happens, the appropriate aftercare is perhaps to not care at all. Stay with us.
Giving the affected party time to themself to work out the effects of the scene on their own terms is an acceptable remedy. We all get it even in the vanilla world. When things get a bit too much, sometimes some solid alone time is all we need and then we get better without outside help.
The same goes for some BDSM practitioners. It’s not cruel to leave a partner to fend for themself in terms of post-scene recovery. Forcing your aftercare magic on them when they’d expressly dismissed it is a disservice. Let them ride it out but be ready to take requests once they open up again.
With properly executed aftercare, kink plays become a lot less risky. Of course, these techniques are very user-sensitive. These are just the common and accessible aftercare avenues that many in the BDSM community take. Participants must always approach aftercare with their specific needs and wants in mind.
Do Doms or Tops Get the Drop After a BDSM Scene?
Understandably, the majority of aftercare is directed toward relieving the sub or bottom—the receiver of “abuse” in most kinks—for what’s called the sub drop. But does that mean that Doms or tops don’t experience drops?
Surely, the Dom can handle the stresses and pressures of the scene, right? After all, they’re supposed to be tough and in control. Indeed, a genuine Dom knows how to keep it together but the reality is Doms are just as susceptible to getting the drop as their sub.
Severe physical exhaustion is normally what hits Dominants the most. All that spanking and choking can really take it out of a person. Guilt is a close second. It mostly affects BDSM newcomers. But even the most experienced Doms still get troubled by the things they subject their sub to.
The hormonal rush from flogging and punishing the sub is a high that’s in its own league. But when it subsides, the drop may send the Dom to debilitating levels of guilt.
The Dom, being the relationship leader, may task themself with self-soothing or nurturing. Most, if not all, aftercare techniques apply to both Dom and sub. Sometimes the sub will remain largely unaffected by the scene. Any sub worth their salt will know well to come to their Dom’s aid if the latter got the drop.
If you and your partner are unsure of how the scene will affect you, it will serve you well to prepare for two-way aftercare treatment. If you’re a Dom, don’t close yourself up from receiving treatment from your sub. More frequently, you only have each other to rely on for post-scene therapy.
Some couples would go to a third-party aftercare provider—a sort of surrogate. And it’s usually a very close friend who also practices BDSM. It’s for when both partners find themselves too spent from the drop to care for each other.
When is the Best Time to Practice Aftercare?
Practice aftercare immediately as needed. This usually means right after your sessions. However, symptoms don’t always make themselves apparent directly after a scene.
Delayed symptoms can manifest from hours to days, even to weeks after a session. If you and your partner live separately, which is often the case with casual BDSM partners, it’s strongly recommended that you check up on each other from time to time in the succeeding days.
Meet and catch up to see if you’re both doing fine and not suffering from the latent effects of the drop or withdrawal. Keep an eye out for both subtle and obvious behavior changes.
Some people, particularly Doms, might be too proud to admit that they need retroactive aftercare. If this happens, politely offer your support. Take great care in not overwhelming your partner by overreacting, though.
For immediate aftercare after an intense session, plan ahead and expect to lay down post-sex therapy for hours. Some people require an entire day or night after the scene ends before they feel safe and anxiety-free again.
Final Thoughts
The pleasure we get from partaking in kinky sex always comes with a price. There’s always a human cost, and the sub/Dom drop is how the piper collects his payment. This is why aftercare is incredibly important.
If you don’t tackle the detrimental consequences of your BDSM activities, you put yourselves at great risk of damaging not just your bodies and minds, but your relationship as a whole.
Communicate the crucial nature of sexual aftercare to each other before engaging in kink plays. Make it absolutely clear that you’re both prepared to administer post-session treatments when it comes to it.
The sub is used to having their well-being looked after by their Dom. But they must be ready to break out of their comfort zone if their superior needs some TLC as well. The Dom is the carer by default but they should still bring their “A” game when it comes to orchestrating aftercare. It’s when their sub needs them the most, after all.
If you need more pointers on how to keep a submissive happy, give our detailed guide a read.
